the biggest twist

i mentioned in one of my earlier posts that i saw mario again last december. after he broke up with his law student girlfriend last october he said he's been thinking of me.
i remember the last time i saw him was a week after my 29th birthday (august 2007). i dropped by his house to see him just before a gig in malate. that night he was telling me about a play that he saw in ccp... i was like, 'what? you saw a play? in ccp? a sarswela? really?, that's not you!' and got the heart breaking reply, he grinned and blushed and said, "may girlfriend na nga pala ako." wow. that night i sweari didnt know how to drive to where i was headed. it hurt soooooo bad. i wasnt allowed to take alcohol because i was taking antibiotics then but i did because i couldnt handle what i just learned. and when i was driving home, i passed by a check point and was stopped, was asked, "may baril ma'am?" -- i was thinking, wish i had one.

anyways, that was the last time. that was it. i let go of the dream. may mga bagay na hindi talaga para sa atin. i mean, not being with him is totally different from him acknowledging the fact that he its committed to someone. commitment was something that was never offered to me... he never considered giving that to me... never.
it doesnt hurt that he is in love with someone else, it doesnt hurt that he is with someone else... what hurts most is that he gave this girl what i always secretly longed for. commitment. declaring to the whole world that he has a girlfriend. she is his girlfriend.
so i gave up. it must be true. she must be special, really special. she must be the one he has been waiting for.

(okay, my eyes are starting to get teary again... let me continue this post tomorrow, stand by)