crazy life

Meet Francesca Mirella L. Marfori

2011-10-04T01:55:00.000-07:00

Born on February 25, 2011. She's now seven months old.
Who does she look like?

2011-06-10T04:06:00.000-07:00

This is Kim's boat... I can't wait to go boating in this stylish banca! Sail in style!

2011-02-18T06:12:00.000-08:00

I'm on my 37th week. Almost there. Today is my last day at work. I will take three months off -- Thank God!

I'm excited to meet the girl version of Mario... Francesca Mirella.

my maid of honor's speech

2010-12-11T01:28:00.000-08:00

Good Evening! I want to start by congratulating the bride and groom, and thanking all of you for coming here today.

I do not really like speaking infront of many people. But for these two special people, I am forced but pleased to do it.

Probably the best way to describe having Sining as a twin sister is like having a soulmate. As children, Sining and I were partners in crime, we always did everything together. Ang mga pinaka masasayang alaala ay ang pagbibisikleta buong hapon at pamimitas ng aratilis.

To this day, we remain very close, not needing words to explain everything. We support each other all the way.

Nung unang sinabi ni Sining sa akin na she and Mario are getting serious, syempre hindi ako naniwala... Pero as time went by, I saw them grow with each other. Indeed, ika nga ni Sining, “Dreams do come true!”

Mario, in behalf of the Lumbera family, we welcome you to our family. Salamat at nabawasan ang gimik life ni Sining... Sining, salamat at nagdala ka ng chef sa pamilya! Lagi kaming looking forward sa winner na mga luto niyo ni Mario! Sana sa future, magkatotoo rin ang pangarap nating Cafe Marfori-Lumbera—Cafe Marera for short.

I am definitely not an expert in love but just some words of advice I got from the bible:

•First: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry (Ephesians 4:26)

•Second: You should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James
1:19)

•And last but not the least: Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colosians 3:13)

My greatest wish for the two of you is that through the years, your love for each other will deepen and grow. I wish you the very best. My love to the both of you.

To the bride and groom!

Tala N. Lumbera

take a peak!

2010-12-06T22:02:00.000-08:00

BENDISYON (Tula ni Tatay)

2010-12-05T23:47:00.000-08:00

(Sa kasal nina Mario at Sining)

Munting kapilyang lunan ng kasal
Langit-langitan duyan ng magkasintahan.

Hininga ng kandila ang ulap-ulapang
Pakpak ng ligayang noon pa inasam.

Panginoon,
Tunghayan ang bagong kasal,
Pangaraap nilang langit gawing totohanan,
Pinag-isang puso'y bigkising matibay.
Tulutang walang hanggan ang pagsisintahan.
Pagsapit ng dilim, itanglaw ang buwan,
Sabugan ng bituin ang pagsusumpaan,
Pagdating unos, iyong ipatanaw
Bukas may bubukad na bukang-liwayway.

Bulong na dalangin
Paalingawngawin,
Ipagdiwang natin
Tagumpay ng paggiliw.

Panginoon, pagpalain
Sina Mario at Sining.

Saint Pancratius Chapel
30 October 2010

The law of Love: A Mom’s Message (my mother-in-law's speech)

2010-12-05T23:36:00.000-08:00

(Wedding of Mario Francisco Valdivia Marfori II & Sining Nograles Lumbera, Paco Church, Mla Phils. 29 October 2010, )

Love, most definitely, is the centrepiece of this special occasion, the centrepiece of our life, the centrepiece of the union between my eldest son, Mario and my new daughter, Sining.

Thank you my new in laws, the Lumberas and the Nograles, the siblings, friends and colleagues for the affirmation and love you have showered Sining. If not for your love, Sining wouldn’t have the patience, to take all the crap of my firstborn, if not for her patience and intelligence, Sining wouldn’t last a day to understand the many quirks and shortcomings of this mama’s boy.

Mario is a miracle child, he is compassionate but is not the easiest person to be with. He was a fretful, colicky baby, and at 3 days old, he was covered with sores and pus from allergy. He grew up on soya milk. He was allergic to milk from mammals. So as a baby, he smelled like taho or tofu if newly bathe and like tokwa at the end of the day. That’s probably the reason why as an adult, seldom, will one catch him smelling like human. He smells like a bottle of cologne walking. Despite his unsettling idiosyncrasies, like taking a shower, every time he sees the bathroom, Sining obviously is fascinated. Thank you Sining.

I’ve always prayed for someone to love my children more than I loved them, my only condition was for somebody to love them unconditionally, like how I love their Dad the past 35 years. Like how Je and Ingko my third son, who gave me my first grandchild, 3 weeks ago, love each other unconditionally.

And am so happy today, that finally, Mario surrendered his life to the best, who stood by him through the highs and lows of his life, but more on the lows. Most poignant scene that will forever be etched in my mind was their scene together in Makati Medical Center, when Mario had his laparascopic surgery for his gall bladder. Sining was slicing a pizza she brought for Mario, and he was the picture of a little boy, smiling in glee. I knew then that Sining was perfect for my son. From then on, I stormed heaven for this day, their union as husband and wife.

I have only one message to Sining and Mario, and that is to live on the principle of love as mandated by God in the Ten Commanments, which is to love God wholeheartedly and each other. The first and greatest commandment is, to love God with all your heart, soul, and mind. And the second is to love your neighbour as yourself. Another biblical verse on love is, “Beloved let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love” (1 John 4:7-8) Does this mean, that when one loves more than one, he knows God more, than the one, who only has one love? No. But what a good justification for the philanderers, ei?

The seventh commandment answers the foregoing question, “You shall not commit adultery” mandates that men and women were designed to be together, that marriage is divinely ordained and established by God as the foundation of the family, which in turns stands as the foundation and most important building block of society.

Finally, may I share the story of 2 porcupines who lived in the Ice Age. To get warm, they drew close to each other, but needled each other as they did. It hurt so much, so they pulled apart. Apart, they got cold again, so they got closer and as before, hurt each other. This is the predicament too in most relationships, either the lovers are too cold and far apart or too close and hurting. Personality differences are like the quills of the porcupines that can hurt. Only with Christ-like qualities of compassion, self-sacrifice and a forgiving heart, can a couple weather any cold or storm in their relationship.

Loving unconditionally and unselfishly does not mean making the least of ourselves but making the most of our beloved. So Sining and Mario, love unselfishly, and be grateful you are not porcupines with the predicament of an impossible love. And even if love sometimes turns cold, remember what Thomas Kempis said, “Love knows no burden, thinks nothing of trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility for it thinks all thinks lawful for itself, and all things possible.

Mario, be a child always, teachable, accepting of the quills of your married life, and Sining may you continue to accept my son, with the child-like love of Christ. I love you!

This is REALLY is it!

2010-10-24T23:04:00.000-07:00

I just want to share these with you...

INVITATION

THE SYMBOL OF OUR LOVE

TO BIND US AS ONE

GIVEAWAYS TO WELL-WISHERS

MY WEDDING DRESS

(from my friend, Ina Stuart Santiago's blog)
...because on one rainy day my friend S, who owns a spot in my heart, sends me a message to say she’s getting married. she, the friend of my adventurous self that found a way to start over long ago, because S had done it countless times: reinvention seemed to be the name of her game, and when that was difficult she always had friendship and alcohol and music to tide her over. and this she always reminded me just by living the way she did: there are many ways to move on and forward and beyond that which we imagine we deserve: if there’s one thing that S always had fire and passion for, it was dreaming.

i am certain she had dreamed this wedding into fruition, if not just treated it like a bull that needed to be taken by the horns.

DAVAO

2010-10-07T01:28:00.000-07:00

this time it's with Matteo Guidicelli

2010-09-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

First was with Sam Milby. Now with Matteo Guidicelli.

Two months ago, I was told that I will have another student from Star Magic. Matteo Guidicelli daw... I was like, sino yun? Well, I don't know him because I only get to watch late night TV shows. But from what I heard, this guy's a super-hunky star.

At last, we had our first session today. 3 hours alone in a room with him. Because so many friends couldn't believe my luck, they asked me to take a picture with him. Here it is!!!

We're Getting Married!!!

2010-09-22T05:33:00.000-07:00

"Indeed, dreams do come true..." that will be my Maid of Honor's first line daw when she gives the speech. Hahaha

It's funny how things turn out. It is a crazy life after all! it didn't cross my mind that I am going to be married this year. Because he didn't pass the bar, and he will not take the bar this year, I thought the idea will not be possible. I wasn't expecting anything anymore. It even came to a point when I stopped dreaming. I stopped wanting to be married.

It was the week before he left for his best friend's wedding in Davao when we knew we had to make a decision. We found out I was pregnant. We were like, "How did that happen when we always practice safe sex?!" We couldn't believe it. In a snap, our lives turned upside down!!!

Getting married was not the solution but why else will we postpone it? I really think it was divine intervention. It was... because we really practiced safe sex!!! HE orchestrated everything. HE made it happen. HE gave us a reason to bind our love and not wait for the "right" time.

The big day is on October 30, 2010 at St. Pancratius Chapel, Paco Park -- the small lovely chapel we fell in love with.

not the Bar

2010-09-22T05:07:00.000-07:00

After failing THE BAR, he decided to enroll and review at San Beda. For some reasons, he didn't feel motivated. He kept skipping classes, slept all day (all night too) and didn't care. But he insisted that he'll take the bar this year. It took lots of effort to convince him not to push himself. And after a while, he decided I was right (see? I'm always right nga!). He couldn't take the bar this year with that attitude. He will definitely not make it again if he takes it without being prepared for the battle.
Come the last day of filing and he decided not to take it this year.

I don't know if I should blame myself. Did I make the right decision not to convince him? I did. I called him everyday to remind him to go to his review class. I nagged him. I cursed him. But maybe I didn't pressure him enough???

Anyway, he will take the bar next year (or so he says). If he doesn't (ever) become a lawyer, I don't care. I will love him still. It is not who he has to be, it is who he is now. awwww...

2010-04-07T03:34:00.000-07:00

"It's not the end of the world!" I told him. Mario saw the list of Bar passers almost two weeks ago. He was not in it. His dreams were shattered. For the past months he was confident that he'll make it. He wanted to help save his family's assets and protect them. And we had plans of getting married this year. Just his luck.

"Well, we can't cry over spilled milk! We still have a life to live. Count your blessings... Nobody is dying. Nobody is seriously ill. You have a loving family. You have so many friends who believe in you. You have a good life. You have a job. You have talents ...And you can always take this year's Bar exam and have the chance to top it. Right?"

He planned on hibernating. He didn't want to see friends. He was ashamed he didn't make it. So, Super Sining had to pep him up and convince him not to think about "what might have been." It worked. I'm glad he's doing fine now. He has somewhat gotten over it. He enrolled in San Beda's review class. This time he is stronger. He will not be too proud. And we'll definitely pray harder!

13th months

2010-03-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

We celebrated our 13th monthsary recently. I must say, this is for keeps. We barely fight, he's not annoying, he tries to be a better person... while I am just the way I am. Hahaha. It's true, he has accepted me for who I am. He doesn't complain about anything at all >>>> except there are days when I become totally demanding and madrama.

THE ONLY FIGHT WE HAD

For Christmas, I gave him a Philippe Charriol Bracelet which he didn't like (He doesn't like any jewelry that has gold in it). He said he appreciated the gift but he will NEVER use it. Can you believe that? This guy is soooo honest and soooo true or should I say soooo insensitive that he had the nerve to say that! Anyway, to make the long story short, we decided to sell it. I got the money back BUT didn't buy him another gift. I also told him that he shouldn't expect any gift from me from now on. Hehe. That fixed it!

OUR FIRST GETAWAY TRIP
We went to Puerto Princesa, Palawan just before Valentines Day. It was his first vacation since he entered law school. Oh my God, he really enjoyed every minute of it. I was happy to see him appreciate life and living it how you are supposed to. He deprived himself of these things for a long time. I wanted him to see it like I do. Live life to the fullest to the foolest!

THE NEXT CHALLENGE
Bar results are coming out anytime next week. I wonder what the future holds for us? For sure, him passing or failing the bar will not change anything. I will love him unconditionally.

Until my next update!

pa-rant!!!

2009-12-05T02:40:00.000-08:00

I hate it when people think that they are being taken for granted just because I can't accept their invitation to go out. I don't like it when they use the word "tampo." Man, ang tanda na natin! Naiiinis ako because they don't know how hard I am working just to make ends meet. They don't know that I'm working from Monday to Saturday with almost no time left for Maxine, my family... and Mario. They don't know because they they don't pay the bills like me... they don't don't have to pay for a tutor, buy bigas -- they are not single parents like me!

Aside from my work in Eastwood at 2-11 p.m., I also accepted one on one tutorials - I have 2 classes on Saturdays and 1 every Tuesday and Thursday in ABS-CBN, and occasionally in Ortigas. If I only have a boarder, I don't need to work like this-- kayod kabayo! What is worse, with all the hard work, I still can't buy the things I want.(I've been wanting to buy the cheapest digicam (6K), a pressure cooker and an ipud! ang cheap lang but I can't even afford it!) I mean I can buy it, but I have to pay my bills too, right? Hindi ko naman ikamamatay kung hindi ko mabili ang mga iyon. It's funny, I never thought I would mature like this.

Oh, yes, and it doesn't end there. Maxine is becoming a bit pasaway. I'm getting scared because I don't get to spend much time with her. She comes home late! I don't know what she's doing in school. From Top 2, she's now Top 7 kasi sabi niya, "Ma, maraming tumalino!" She's becoming boy crazy (oh no, mana sa akin!) at the age of 11 years old -- she is only in the 5th grade!

Wala lang, just ranting!

I need a night out with the girls (and BOYS!)!!! O, walang kokontra. I work very hard... I need a case of beer!!!

new job

2009-11-04T01:46:00.000-08:00

I am now a Corporate English Trainer.

After a one-month vacation, I got a job at an English Learning Center. Yes, I am not teaching Filipino this time but English. OMG talaga! haha. I never thought I would pass the exam and teaching demo but I did (and I needed a job) so I signed the contract as soon it was ready.

This job is so much better than being in a call center. No more irate customers, no dress codes, no fixed breaks, no rules, no recorded calls, no spiels required, internet all day, cellphone and gadgets allowed, can smoke anytime, can bring alcohol during parties. Is this even called work?!

Well, yes, I have to come in early, prepare the lessons for the day, write reports after every lesson... read, study, edit, review. masyadong intellectual! pero enjoy. I can see myself still with this company in the next 5 years. I am more worried that they kick me out because I am not that good in English. But all good so far!

God is good!

i quit

2009-08-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

I can’t believe we’re marking our 6th month together. Halleluiah! This is the longest relationship I have been in so far without having doubts, no misunderstandings, immature and petty fights… it’s all good. He really made up for all the years he kept breaking my heart.

I owe this all to Him. He is the reason. He made it happen. He heard my prayers. He was listening all along and had a plan. I love you, my God. Thank you, Lord.

Moving on, I decided to resign from work last month after noticing that my skin was getting dry, and my scalp having lots of dandruff… I did see a dermatologist to seek help – she prescribed to me medicines (available only through her clinic –of course) that didn’t at all help. Anyway, I self-diagnosed it and it’s called STRESS. The only cure is to quit my job and rest.

Before coming to a decision, as always, I had my pros and cons. Come to think of it, who wants to spend the rest of their lives in an air conditioned building, with a computer in front of you, and on a headset?! It pays much higher, and you can’t beat such benefits but it will not buy happiness and one’s good night sleep.

Arghhhh! Why can’t I find the perfect job? It’s so hard pala – it’s like your looking for your soul mate din. Haaaaaay.

My last day will be on Aug 14. Then I will fly for davao for the Kadayawan Festival and to celebrate my birthday there with Tala. I come back Aug. 27. I am booked for the month of September (I made sure of that, September is Bar month and I don’t want to bug Mario when I am bored)… my boss in Asian Center for Foreign Languages (ACFL) assigned me to another 3-weeks intensive language program. I also have plans to take Nihonggo lessons and finish my thesis (blehhhhh always making this as reason! Hopefully this time I will get it done and over with).

One more reason that pushed me to quit the job is Mario. When he’s finished with the bar exam, he will go back to work. That’s a 8-5 job… now with that schedule, it would be impossible for us to see each other… now that I am soooooo used to him being around, I’m going to miss him badly. Since he started his review class, he comes home to my house more than he does to his boarding house.

Anyways – so wish me luck. For love, destiny, money and a good life.

oh well

2009-07-12T19:32:00.000-07:00

he texted me the other night, sorry it took a time to realize"

dreams that come true

2009-07-12T19:15:00.000-07:00

2 years ago, I dropped by MM’s house just a few days after my birthday. That was the end of the world (my world). That was when he told me he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend??? But… but…
UNBELIEVABLE! How could he? How dare he!
(refer to my post february 2009 “Biggest Twist”)

I never thought we'd ever see each other again after that. I thought he's all set to marry that pretty face. She's beauty and brains. I can't compete. So I gave him up... and let go.
Somehow after a long time, finally, he realized he loves me. Now that we’re celebrating our 5th month, I can't help but think, DREAMS DO COME TRUE. If you know what I have been through with MM, you will believe too. When I say that line, friends would laugh their hearts out… but will stop and start to cry. Cry for me. Feel for me. Friends close to me witnessed how I experimented on schemes just to get MM out of my system… I traveled, partied, boy-marathoned (oh well…), made myself busy by working day and night, hibernated, even got involved in a Catholic charismatic group just to find answers.

Now, I can tell the world that yes, DREAMS DO COME TRUE. On the 15th, we'll be celebrating the 5th month. Feels like 5 years. Looking forward to our future together.

God is good! So to all you out there, have faith! believe!

my fairytale

2009-06-01T01:26:00.000-07:00

...one fine day you'll look at me and then you'll know our love was meant to be, one fine day you're gonna want me for you... the eyes i longed for will open wide, and you'll be proud to have me by your side one fine day you're gonna want me too..

going 4 months. we still can't believe we'd get back together. how and why?! seems like we've been together for a long time. sometimes, we'd talk about things that happened between us in the past and we'd cry, regret, laugh and then plan the future to make up for 6 lost years. how i wish i'd get my happy ending. it scares me -- i might lose him again...

we are back

2009-04-06T00:13:00.000-07:00

we got back together last february 15. i know, i know. i shouldn't have. but it is worth one last try. this time seems more serious, more mature. this time i'm hoping we'll stick together for good.

it has been 6 long years! 6 years of trying to get over him. and when i finally (think i) did, he shows up again and everything was reset to start.

here's our last chance to make it right.

On teaching Sam

2009-03-29T23:26:00.000-07:00

sorry i have been busy with classes. i forgot to mention that i was chosen to be sam milby's language teacher. so we spend about 3 hours every week, alone in a room - juse sam and me. that's every sunday, after ASAP, if he has no prior engagements. so far went on our 5th date... oops, i mean, 5th session. the coordinator from ABSCBN texted me: TAGALOG CLASS OF SAM: ate neth mentioned that nageenjoy daw si sam sa workshop. And some staff sa talent center na slowly na nagstraight tagalog niya, hindi na daw napapansin yung accent niya. Yah! Congrats to Teacher Sining!Todo pa! CC: Direk. woooohhhhh i almost jumped from my seat! now that there's good feedback, from sam himself, i'm sure to get the others or another batch of language workshop this may. (thank you, thank you Lord!)

(anyways, i have to say this, sam is very nice. he is actually already good in tagalog/filipino even before i taught him -- just needed to encourage him to talk in filipino. and he needs someone he can converse with who is patient, will not laugh, but correct the mistake and explain it to him.)

the biggest twist

2009-02-24T04:54:00.000-08:00

i mentioned in one of my earlier posts that i saw mario again last december. after he broke up with his law student girlfriend last october he said he's been thinking of me.
i remember the last time i saw him was a week after my 29th birthday (august 2007). i dropped by his house to see him just before a gig in malate. that night he was telling me about a play that he saw in ccp... i was like, 'what? you saw a play? in ccp? a sarswela? really?, that's not you!' and got the heart breaking reply, he grinned and blushed and said, "may girlfriend na nga pala ako." wow. that night i sweari didnt know how to drive to where i was headed. it hurt soooooo bad. i wasnt allowed to take alcohol because i was taking antibiotics then but i did because i couldnt handle what i just learned. and when i was driving home, i passed by a check point and was stopped, was asked, "may baril ma'am?" -- i was thinking, wish i had one.

anyways, that was the last time. that was it. i let go of the dream. may mga bagay na hindi talaga para sa atin. i mean, not being with him is totally different from him acknowledging the fact that he its committed to someone. commitment was something that was never offered to me... he never considered giving that to me... never.
it doesnt hurt that he is in love with someone else, it doesnt hurt that he is with someone else... what hurts most is that he gave this girl what i always secretly longed for. commitment. declaring to the whole world that he has a girlfriend. she is his girlfriend.
so i gave up. it must be true. she must be special, really special. she must be the one he has been waiting for.

(okay, my eyes are starting to get teary again... let me continue this post tomorrow, stand by)

goodbye

2009-02-13T05:15:00.000-08:00

after the 6-month roller coaster ride with true north, i think i am ready to let go and move forward. it's not going to be easy. specially after believing and knowing he is "the one" i want to be with.

this decision came about after taking that dumaguete trip alone. now i have come to accept that he's not just that into me. if he was, he will never make his GF as reason not to be with me. well, that's is the only reason i can think of, and i can see, and definitely questionable.

so goodbye to sunday delight. the true north thingy is just a dream and will remain that way. no more long interesting conversations, no more jeepney rides, surprises, cute kajologan, isaw eating, cooking at home, wandering. goodbye to the only person who knows me inside and out. *sniff*sniff*

but... the greatest challenge is to say it. do it. make it happen.

that was it!

2009-01-17T22:07:00.000-08:00

true north and i spent the last remaining days of december together. we were together in tagaytay on new years day. i thought that was a good start for 2009. we had breakfast in leslie's and had a couple of beers in sanctuario (very nice place!) unplanned... it's always nice to be spontaneous.
anyway, so after a few days, true north informed me that he is canceling all our out of town trips together. (what the f*ck?) someone saw us in tagaytay daw and he just didn't want to have problems with his gf. (ganon???)
i didn't know what to say. yes, we go out a lot, we're always together, but that was it. we're not together. just friends. relationship is platonic talaga. but then i'm guilty in a way because i know i'm falling for him.
but still, we are not doing anything else except hang out together.
well, enough of trying to convince myself that i'm the victim... truth is, it hurts that true north belongs to someone else. and for the past four months, he has revealed his secrets to me -- though some of it he didn't want to elaborate and remain a mystery to me.
he just canceled the trips without giving me reasons. no reason at all.
that's it! (you know what i mean) no questions asked. i don't need answers and reasons.
it just confirms my suspicion that he is married to this "gf" -- why else will he stay in that relationship? that may explain why he didn't want to have pictures taken, he kept reminding me that he is engaged. he tells me, "you're two years late" and "maybe in the next lifetime we'll be together na" or "this could have been the perfect relationship i wanted"
haaaaaaaaaayyyy! it hurts so much. pero gano'n eh.

that's what life is all about right? things happen because they are bound to happen. there are questions that just don't have answers. gano'n kasi gano'n!

so, that was it! january 1 was but a sweet goodbye.

2008-12-14T22:07:00.000-08:00

surprises, surprises.
i found an old sim card last week and retrieved M's number. and so i texted him just to check how he's doing. and again, we exchanged some messages. he says he's single again. (and so??? i don't care anymore)
this time, i'm not hoping/ wishing/ thinking he'll be back. we keep running in circles. always like this-- we start texting, we go out again, we enjoy the company and get to comfortable, then we become intimate or attached, tapos wala, away na naman and will not see eachother for two years. i just can't look at him that anymore. you witnessed how hard it was for me to forget him, get over him, unlove him. if it weren't for true north, i would still be longing for M hopelessly and helplessly.

2008-12-14T21:17:00.000-08:00

"Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go."

In loving memory of sining's heart. died december 1, 2008. cause of death: multiple stab wounds.

2008-12-14T20:34:00.000-08:00

everyday is a new day. change is constant. this undefined relationship with true north has gone beyond the boundaries... not the typical girl-boy relationship, not based on infatuation or sexual desires alone. definitely nothing like that. we both know that although being together feels sooooo right, we can't be together.
last week as we were having some drinks, we tried to analyze how this came to be. red horse tasted so bitter, the reality check hurt me. why can't we be together, when we both know that "this is it." i don't understand why just when i found that person i want to be with for the rest of my life, i can't have him just because i was two years late. why did god ever let us meet?
no answers. just like that. it's just the way it is.

the relationship

2008-11-22T22:31:00.000-08:00

almost 2 months since my last post and i still feel the same about mr. true north. we've been closer to eachother. i am myself when i'm with him. no pretentions, no reason to show off, or put on make up, or dess up, or try to be pretty. just the real me. we just talk a lot, and still not run out of things to talk about. and this relationship is based on friendship. purely friendship. we can spend the night together alone and nothing -- nothing! -- will happen. if you know what i mean.
it's amazing. unbelievable. ganun siya ka-kakaiba. and for that, i love him more. shhh... he doesn't know.

“This is it!”

2008-09-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

“This is it!” I said this line so many times, gasgas na ito sa akin. My friends believe I’ve been in love so many times. Cause I’d always tell them that, but to their disappointment (and amusement, more often), I will tell them that it was a mistake. For some reasons, no matter how hard I try, I cannot take the dating stage to the next level. Either I chicken out, become unsure or too proud. There are times din naman, the guys want to be casual lang (and hope they could get away with it?!). Nakakapagod.

It has been a while since I allowed someone to occupy my thoughts. I have always, always kept my heart guarded. Not letting anyone get too close.

But then, since I started entertaining the thought that I have found my Mr. True North, I’ve been having a hard time sleeping. Most of the time I am just staring at the walls of my room… contemplating, rationalizing, and… daydreaming. This time I want someone sooooooooooooo bad. Even if I don’t know how he feels. I can’t help it. I like this feeling and I want it to stay.

This is the person I can see myself growing old with. We can talk about almost anything, do everything together. Being with him makes me happy. I feel good about myself when I’m with him. He seems to say the right words all the time. His imperfections don’t turn me off. His moves don’t scare me away. OMG ano ba itong mga sinasabi ko??? (wake up, Sin! what is happening to you?) I really hope I’m not saying all these and take it back.

Basta, THIS IS IT! I just know. Because it feels so right.

P.S.
and if this leads to another heartbreak, Mr. True North will be the last.

Updates, Updates…

2008-09-18T20:37:00.001-07:00

Updates, Updates…

(I didn’t write about this guy in previous entry but now im telling the story)
Almost fell inlove with a Mr. Chef last year. We went out for 3 months or so, saw eachother everyday but surprisingly (read!!!) didn’t even kiss!
Mr. Chef wasn’t my type. He was the boy next door, home body, mama’s boy, rich kid. In short, not my kind of guy. But he would pick me up from class, bring me home, and cook for me. He also introduced me to his family and friends. Kaya, patayyyyy ang manhid na puso nakaramdam na naman at pumintig- pintig. I think he was waiting for me to make a move to bring the friendship to another level. I didn’t. Things were getting complicated na kasi everyone assumed that we were a couple… ewan what happened. One day na lang I texted him na we shouldn’t see eachother na. And there. Sumpong lang!!! Haha.

So after him, wala na. I gave up! Been religiously single for almost a year now. Hindi naman sa walang interesado/ lumalapit/nagpaparamdam, ayoko na lang talaga to feel anything for anyone anymore.

And here comes this guy. I had a crush on him the moment I saw him. Hindi naman ito sobrang gwapo, there’s just something about him. We became friends and lately we’ve been spending time together. As we get closer, I’m starting to like him even more kasi simple lang siya, totoong tao, may paninindigan, marunong magluto, magaling kumanta, matalino, and most importantly, we come from the same background kaya marami kaming napag-uusapan…(and I’m sure there’s more that I haven’t seen or discovered about him). Patayyyyy Eto na naman tayo!!! Ayaw ko na talaga makaramdam ng ganito eh. BUT the punch line is, he is taken. We don’t talk about it but he has a girlfriend. *Sigh* Just when you thought you found what you’re looking for. Sayang.

living/ loving (?) the new life

2008-09-18T20:37:00.000-07:00

5 months in a call center and still counting. I didn’t think I’d last this long. But I’m getting used to it. Since I started doing calls I was in the closing shift, 2:00 a.m. to 11 a.m. Not bad, really. It works for me. I prefer it nga, eh. Why? Because I’m being productive when everyone else is sleeping.

How is it working for a call center? Okay, it’s like this… I am in the office, but don’t get to talk to co-workers unless it’s my 1st (15 minutes) break, lunch (1 hour) break or 2nd (15 minutes) break. That makes 7 ½ of taking or making calls. And they call us customer reps ha, not robots… So, after work, you REALLY need to unwind and reward yourself. Haha. Now I understand! Imagine kung ganun na ang trabaho mo and you go home to sleep, then wake up to go to work again? OMG no way!
I have no choice but to enjoy what I’m doing or else mabu-burn out talaga.

My teaching contract with abs-cbn just ended last week, and now I can sit back and relax again. Napagod ako doon. Right after my shift I had to prepare my lessons and run to abs. Minsan wala nang tulog talaga. I’m glad I survived (yun lang nangayayat ako and mas malaki na ang eyebags ko kaysa sa mga mata ko)! I’m not sure pa if they are going to renew the contract, I just passed the progress report and they have yet to assess if they should continue with group classes or try the one on one tutorials that I recommended.

It’s like I built my world around Maxine na. I mean I’ve never been like this-- without feeling obliged, I spend most of my time with her. (okay, may nagrereact dyan, sasabihin I’m always with friends, umiinom! Patapusin muna ako) Compared to before na, I spend time with her because I should… Now, I spend time with her because I want to be with her. Instead of asking friends to meet me, or looking for gimmicks, we go to Starbucks or dine out. I guess I grew up. A little.

perfect time

2008-08-09T04:03:00.000-07:00

Yay! ABS-CBN got me to teach Star Magic talents who are in need to learn the Filipino language! I started first week of August... three hours session, three times a week. I feel so blessed for having this opportunity. Can't help but remember the days when my dream was to work for ABS-CBN (haha, the usual stuff-- being a personal alalay of someone). And now, I am here. Not as a P.A. but a respected language instructor. (Did not quit call center job still)

Only proves that we can get everything that we want in life, we just have to wait for God's perfect time. Maybe not yesterday, not today, who knows? Just when you thought it will only be in your dreams, it will fall right in front of you. And this has happened to me a lot of times. So we just need to keep trying. Make ourselves better.

Well, I wonder now if the same goes for my luck with relationships. I haven't dated anyone in a year. "Dated" meaning there's mutual intense attraction, having physical or romantic attachment. Whoa! I am surprised myself. I don't wander anymore on cold nights. Haha. Ewan. Time passes me by.

the SHIFT

2008-07-13T02:59:00.000-07:00

i am sorry again i wasn't able to update this blog for a while. this call center job is absorbing all the energy! i am still having a hard time adjusting to the schedule and the new lifestyle. i've been with convergys for almost three months now and i have to say, it's hard work!!! for the first time, i am out of my comfort zone. this is a jungle for me. a whole new ball game. being in customer service is not a 'no brainer' job after all. it's just a misconception. cause believe me, i almost failed and became jobless. i don't ace the exam and exercises... and i suck with the mock calls and orals. it is sooooooo frustrating and well, humbling. kung baga, lunukin mo pride mo, sining.

In this new job I discovered my weaknesses and strengths. This experience taught me to accept others without judging them. I realized too, that I am only human. I am guilty of seeing myself as someone superior because I am used to getting everything I want (in one way or the other).

well, there's nothing to be ashamed of. i'm working in a call center. so what?

here are some positive things... the good side of it:
* i get to spend time with maxine. because of the shifting schedule, i can now sit down with her and study her lessons and help her with projects and homeworks. i even read to her before tucking her to bed.
*it is also a good way for me to start avoiding my vices. since my shift is on party/ gimmick hours, there's no way for me to splurge money for booze. now, i am being productive at night.
*no worries about me or maxine getting sick because im covered by the health card
*i meet lots of people. a very challenging environment, i love politicking! if you can't beat them, join 'em.
*stable company, stable job, i feel secured. even in this time of crisis.

the goal is to stay in this company for as long as i can. (i will not be tempted to quit when there's a better offer. i will not be a quitter. i will not take it for granted. i will not walk away.) when i have proven this to myself, maybe by then i will be ready for a real relationship. -- so this is also a battle within me.

i actually feel good that i am doing this for a reason. it is as if this is the best decision i have made in my life.

a decade has passed

2008-06-14T23:15:00.000-07:00

this year marks my tenth year of motherhood. it has been 10 years since that responsibility came to me. and i can't help but to be emotional about this because i have been through A LOT... being a single parent is hard. whenever i look back, i wonder how i could have survived if it weren't for my loving parents and sisters and friends. they were all very supportive, they never stopped believing in things i can do and will do. thank you Lord for giving me so much blessings.

now that maxine is 10, i prayed to God to help me let go of all the bitterness that i feel inside. it's been a decade of 'what might have beens' and 'what ifs' and it's time to move on. my sleepless nights lead me to realize that all the time lost, decisions made, and the things done/undone can never be changed. thus, live and learn.

Training

2008-04-28T17:05:00.000-07:00

TRAINING. 1. Activity leading to skilled behavior
2. The result of good upbringing (especially knowledge of correct social behavior)

I started my training in Convergys two weeks ago. The Culture and Communications Training(CCT) was totally stressful for me. Learning English (again or improving it) was not easy, especially because I teach Filipino. It was very disturbing for me. I would always compare the structures to the vernacular language and test them. Just like what my know-it-all students (like me) do. Also, I had a hard time processing that this time I was the student sitting, listening and doing the drills and NOT the teacher in front facilitating the class.

I always thought my English was good. Not perfect, but I wasn't worried about it at all. But surprisingly, there are still A LOT to learn and MORE to unlearn.

I really cherish the experience... it was interesting to learn new teaching techniques from a very, very good language teacher, (The) Mike Lapis. He was sooooo good, the class never had a dull moment. I mean how do you nake learning English fun??? He did just that. All the activities were incorporated to reinforcing the language, grammar and confidence building.

I'm impressed. Only a few people can intimidate me. (I love him! Can I take him home??? I'm serious!)

The Product Specific Training (PST) will be held in Makati still. The class started yesterday. As expected, it's not as lively and fun as CCT-- All computer, internet and techy stuff but it's okay. I am more relaxed and not pressured.

Everything so far is going well. I am having fun in what I am doing. I miss teaching and I dread to be on the floor. But again, I am doing this because I need to secure Maxine's future by having a stable job. I will do this for her. Indeed, this training is not only literal (for my communication skills and computer knowledge) but it is learning to accept change, and adapting to what is readily available to meet my goal.

"I hated every minute of training, but I said, Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion." - Muhammad Ali

another good excuse

2008-04-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

another excuse for my absence is that i was really busy for the month of february and march. ACFL made me teach another guy from the U.S. embassy in the morning, and the fil-am viva artists in the afternoon. of course i couldn't refuse it. i was then designated by the u.p. college of arts and letters' dean's office to teach the filipino language class of the spring philippine studies program-- visiting japanese students from takushoku university, tokyo.

school is over. i just finished my grades! now summer is here.

as part of my Plan A, i swallowed my pride and applied in convergys. initially, i was looking at a non-agent position, but was told that they only do internal hiring. it means have to be an agent, familiarize my self with the company and its operations, and then apply for another position if they have an opening. i am scheduled to start training this monday. (and j will most probably be my trainer - talk about luck!)

nanay, as expected, freaked out upon learning my decision to leave the academe - for good. she stopped me and insisted i should teach full time to get the medical benefits and financial satisfaction i have been complaining about. but i was already decided that joining the call center industry was the only security i could give them (my parents) and maxine. with convergys, i will be secured that when/ if ever i get sick, or maxine gets sick, expenses will be shouldered, or less. i don't want naman to depend on my parents to pay for those. i am turning 30 years old na. and maxine's gonna ba 10 on june!

the truth is, i am ashamed of joining a call center as an agent. not that i have anything against call center people... it's the job! i mean nasaan ang pride??? nasaan ang dignidad ng nag-aral sa u.p., nag-masters, at nagturo sa college? among other achievements.

wala eh. i don't have a choice. i worked for several companies but they either don't remit my taxes or don't offer medical cards. i just have to keep reminding myself that i am doing this for maxine. it is a sacrifice.

no more travels, no more play at work, no more consideration whether i like the job or not.
i should have done this for her a long time ago. i realized how selfish i was then (i only wanted to have fun).

why i was gone

2008-04-07T09:19:00.000-07:00

i'm guilty of abandoning this blog for almost 3 months now. i am sorry.

i took the coron trip and thought it was my last. it was after i discovered lumps in my breast that i posted that last entry. i was so terrified. i panicked. i cried for weeks. i regretted everything i have not done in my life. it was one of the many turning points in my life. in a snap, everything can change for or against you.

for weeks after that, i was in denial. i tried not to think about it but i really couldn't sleep at night. with a calendar beside me, i wanted to plan the last days of my life, even if it isn't. when you know you don't have all the time in the world, you suddenly see what things are most important to you.

Oh my God! i never thought i would ever be afraid of death. i've always been a jolly person and i never think about such gloomy, dark and sad things. and if ever i do, i won't dwell on it. just like rejections, break ups, disappointments. i try to be a positive person always.

it took one month before i saw my OB. she referred me to a surgeon. i still haven't gone, i don't have an appointment, and not planning to go anytime soon. you see, my parents are both retired and i don't have a health card... and i don't want to be a burden. i'm sure they will have no problem paying for my hospital/medical expenses, but i just don't want to see them get worried. they have been through a lot.

please don't tell me i'm being stubborn. i will see the surgeon after i figure something out. and yes, i am already working on my Plan A!

close friends have been convincing me to go, that it will only be a minor surgery. maybe. if it is benign, good... but if it's something serious-- oh no! then i'd have to go through a series of operations, medications, radiation treatment, chemotherapy... who knows? right now i am not ready for that. i have to fix everything first. i don't want to leave anyone hanging. any projects undone. any promises broken. 'yun lang naman... gusto ko ready ako.

i am not afraid of the surgery. i'm afraid of those whom i will leave behind and those whom i cannot take care of while i am recuperating. they have always depended on me. you know.

that is why now, i live day by day. you can never tell what tomorrow will bring!

last trip

2008-01-24T15:34:00.000-08:00

im off to coron, palawan this afternoon. this will be my last trip. it will take a while before i can go on leave again. i just had a realization last week that i have to fix myself so i can fix my life. not that i'm not fixed, but rather i want everything to fall into the right place. so many what ifs... what if i die tomorrow? suddenly, i'm afraid to die. i'm afraid of getting sick. what if i do? who will take care of maxine and love her the way i do? who's going to care about how she feels? who's going to take her to starbucks and patiently sit with her and talk? and how about my family? who's going to be there for tatay and nanay and do all the errands? cook for them? go to 70s bistro with them? make sure everything is all right?
suddenly, i'm afraid to die. i cried last night because i thought of it. and if it will come, i am not ready for it. yet. that is why, after this trip i will start to fix everything. i will prepare for it. i will finish all unfinished business. settle everything/everyone i left hanging. it's time to do that. not because i'm dying tomorrow but because that's the way we should all live life... live as if there is no tomorrow.

the good and evil

2008-01-23T04:47:00.000-08:00

i bought this art work a few years back... parang the artist, aldo bautista, knows me so well. i still feel naked when staring at the painting. sad 'no? so now i decided to sell it on ebay. up for bidding. no more cold nights for me! and i will never allow that to happen again.

2008 started palpak

2008-01-17T08:18:00.000-08:00

another year and i dont know what it will bring. i'm struggling to change for the better this year pero ang hirap!!! parang i'm being put in a test. gusto kong bumait pero di ko magawa. hehe. old habits are pulling me back, and i think i'm getting worse nga.

it started with a harmless date with that highschool sweetheart. he asked me out and i said yes (What the f*ck?!). i'm sooo guilty even though we just talked over a bucket of san mig light... i'm so stupid. i shouldn't have done that. all through that night i was thinking of what he had said to his wife just so he could meet with me... and who would/could see the two of us. bad, bad, bad. i never go out with married men! now there's one.
i hate the feeling (of guilt). what was i thinking??? there's no excuse for that!

and then i went out with this lawyer naman who has had a thing for me since 2004. i was just being nice kaya i agreed to have lunch with him one saturday. after lunch, he insisted that we have coffee pa. so i agreed. and then, when i had to go (to meet nanay in trinoma), he said he wanted to come along (and meet her!). ang sama ko, i didn't want to be seen with him... we were walking and i was literally walking fast so he won't catch up with me (oops... he had just undergone surgery!). he was soooo feeling close that i had to tell him to go home and leave me alone. he's so presko kasi. he talks about "us" going on trips together, and doing things, lecturing me how i should live my life and planning for me. eeeeewww. he doesnt even know me! i shouldnt be too nice because i think he's misinterpretted friendship to something else. he's not my type OKAY!!! not gonna happen.
i wasnt born to be mean. i am miss niceities! but somethings i cannot bear. still, i shouldnt be mean.

i think i'm losing my values. i need to start reading the bible again. i need more time contemplating and reflecting and asking for forgiveness. HE has been missing in my life for a while. it wasn't like this when HE was here... i wasnt like this.
i can feel HIS absence in my life. i'm longing again.
(Oh please, Im talking about the Lord ha!)

gratitude list

2007-12-27T22:13:00.000-08:00

instead of making a new year's resolution, i have here things i should be thankful for for this year. there's got to be a lot.

1. becoming good friends with shela and everyone else in her circle
shela is kim's friend from AIM. we used to just see each other in parties and inumans but this year, we spent a lot of time talking and talking about anything under the sun. inaabot kami ng sunrise sa pepetons. she's nice, very warm and supportive... i'm so lucky to find a friend in her. napaka-sincere.

2. meeting alf and marcial, planning a business partnership together
i know this didn't work out. the drinking planning sprees didn't blossom into a money bearing tree but it was all good. i learned a lot from them.

3. being with coffeebreak island and good friends with their manager, luv.
i just met them to inquire about an event i'm doing but ended up being a groupie! hands up to my favorite band and drinking mates. the members are all married and treat women with respect. they're not mayabang, bastos, mapagsamantala and feeling... totoong tao sila! happy! i love their company cause they make me feel sooo at home. since i met them, i didn't have to do the "gimmick mo?" texting cause i can go by myself and be myself.

4. gotchi
i hate dogs. i do! i'm scared of them and don't want to be near them. but i liked mario's poodle, mitbolz and realized i wanted to try to overcome my fear from dogs. nanay gave maxine a poodle (daw) for her bday and we named him Gotchi. now that we have a dog, ummm.... i still hate dogs... but love gotchi only.

5. moving to sampaguita house
gave me independence, freedom, and peace. But it has also taught me to be more responsible and set priorities. i have more time for myself now. more time to cook and decorate the house. haha. training to become a good homemaker.

6. getting more opportunities in/from teaching
i love the extra $$$. i guess i have to congratulate myself. aside from U.P., i had a balikatan boy student from ACFL (gives me P1,000 x 5 days a week) what can i say, i get a lot of tutorials from referrals too-- the two presidents of coca-cola, ms.earth 2004, u.s. embassy, president of mermaid resort, and those fil-am brats!
plus i was invited to attend a conference in hawaii for march 2008.

7. made it through the rain... i'm alive!
heartbreaks, disappointments. did stupid things. i drink and drive. i fool around. i risk lives.
just lucky i have 9 lives, i guess.

8. i found out who my true friends are
friends come and go. i have different sets of friends. some from work, some for fun times, some from highschool, some from UP or UST, but there are only a few who will never leave me. never judge me. never betray me.

9. the bohol trip with maxine
bonding with her helped me get to know her. think like her and put myself in her shoes so that i will understand her more. i'm glad we made that trip!

10. family
they are my life! even though i hate nanay's nagging and her being a wet blanket, and i get angry with tala for not gassing up the car, and hate my two other sisters for not helping with household chores, and i answer (shout) back at my parents when we fight, I LOVE THEM! this year i learned to say "i'm sorry" and compromise and spend more time with them. i treasure every moment we are together kahit na i get sick of it sometimes.
"we are family!"

p.s.
we have two sangganos at home. their names are
andres emiliano crisostomo and bien miguel lumbera . they are for sale!

11. my twin sister's sacrifice
since she's earning more than everyone else, she is the giving tree. she's so generous and sincere and genuine. literally paying for almost everything for the sampaguita household and volunteering to help with other expenses (my personal expenses, my sisters' and even maxine's kapricho) i'm proud of her.

12. maxine's first communion
it is indeed an important event in our lives as catholics. that day, i promised to try to be a good model to her. i ain't perfect but i am trying.

13. aya's happiness
she's been through hell when that f*cking bastard left her after getting her pregnant. she didn't show she was affected at all. or maybe just good in hiding it. she never complained, and don't seem to have regrets. but it pains me that she had to go through that. she's so fragile e! anyway, she has a boyfriend now, not
soooo inlove (that's good!) but happy. i'm happy for her too because i know she's
wiser now. and maybe i should thank mark too, for treating her well, making her happy and loving miguel... in a way, my ate also changed and became a better person (hindi na indifferent hehehe).

14. my laptop
i am not materialistic but i'm sooo happy i got a laptop. friendster, blogging, research, saving files, IM... wow! life is so much easier. what more can i ask for?

15. closures from old flames, flings, boy friends
this year too, i learned to accept the fact that there are things that aren't meant to be. stubborn kasi ako. i don't easily quit. if i want something, i make sure in one way or the other makukuha ko. but now i accept things as they come to me and let go. this means a lot to me... to see or hear from them again and make amends. harapin ang katotohanan kahit na nangangagat ito. hahaha. see footnotes for examples.

i should be ashamed of myself if i ever thought at one point na unfair si Lord or He doesn't love me. He has blessed me with so many things. 'yun nga lang, di ko nakikita kasi nakatago sa ibang tao o ibang sitwasyon o anyo.

again, thank you Jesus. i will, in my own little way, give back all the glory!!!

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
*first to go was Mario. he's happy now with someone he calls "girlfriend" (ouuuuch!). it must be love, pare!

*mr. old flame - before we said our goodbyes, we finally got to talk about that thing in the past

*and my very first crush - who'd ever forget their very first crush??? i had a crush on carlo since grade 5! but because of life's twist and turns, i ended up with his bestfriend, mike (maxine's dad). anyway, we've been chatting lately because he's almost always online. and wierd lang kasi we are so open to eachother and talk as kumare-kumpare... but i swear 19 years ago or so, i would die for moments and conversations like that. mapagbiro talaga ang buhay!!!

*highschool puppy love - this guy was my prom date, grad ball date, it broke my heart (well,it hurt then) when he left for US after highschool. when he came back, i was with mike na :( kaya sorry!!! he's been married na rin for 6 years siguro. i saw him at a mini highschool batch reunion and... wala lang, nakakatawa how i always thought i wouldn't get over him pero nung nagkita kami i didn't feel a thing. sooobrang babaw ba ng love na yun or did time just heal the pain?

*mr. disappearing act - si j. the guy who one day woke up and didn't care. i was devastated. i saw him again and well... duh! bakit ako nagkagusto dun? and to think when he left, emote-emote pa ako. eeeew.

2007-12-20T06:38:00.000-08:00

im happy i have more time to write in this blog. i have no one to talk to about my raves and rants lately. i feel so alone. maybe it's because it's christmas and it makes me realize how single i am! i felt it more when i opened my friends' friendster account and see that they are either 'married' or 'in a relationship.' it's funny i always thought i'd get married at a young age. (maybe i was hoping then)

im 29. i shouldn't panic right? right. but i don't even have a boyfriend... not even close to having a relationship... that is why i'm a bit alarmed.
maybe it is really me. okay, i admit... i am controlling. i am scared of rejections. i don't like commitments and responsibilities. i hate waiting. i'm daring, wild and spontaneous. and i intimidate men because i'm smart (yes i am! hehehe). and i have A LOT of friends. i drink and can take alcohol more than the usual. i am too liberated. too friendly. too nice. AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT??? i don't want to change just to please anyone. i am me. i like me. i am happy (except in some occasions).

closing 2007

2007-12-09T08:12:00.000-08:00

"our only purpose in life is to make choices, once the choice is made the whole world comes into fruition that which we chose."

the homily in today's mass talks about the advent, being a time to reassess one's life and living with all the mistakes in the past and moving on. this is exactly how i want to end the year 2007. i did some terrible things this year, that are always haunting me. constant reminders of poor judgement either caused by alcohol, lack of sleep, loneliness, selfishness, desperation or just plain stupidity.

mistakes and bad experiences were compared to having a tattoo. once you get one, you cannot have it erased (even with laser, it leaves marks). and no matter how hard you hide it, it's there. permanently. blame it on our innocence-- were young; on our pride -- we wanted to belong and be cool or make a statement. that was who we were, what used to be. our destinies lie in the choices we make today. after we ACCEPT ourselves for who we already are, we need to FORGIVE ourselves, ask for forgiveness from God, forgive those people who have hurt us. Only from then can we be free. if we LET GO of our past and MOVE ON, we will be happier because we don't need to look back and dwell on yesterdays' what ifs.

i will live by these rules this year. i will close 2007 with a peace of mind. and i promise not to wallow in pain and miseries. i should be grateful. so i will start a gratitude notebook to remind me how beautiful my life is!!!

better mama

2007-11-30T18:06:00.000-08:00

I took maxine to bohol for the sem break. i owe it to her. she's growing up soooo fast, i might not get the same chance next year. i can't believe she's actually 9 years old. makes me reflect if i have been a good mother to her. today i decided to be a better me by spending more time with her. i will be more patient with her. listen to her. keep promises. i love her. she's all i got!

old flame

2007-11-29T23:24:00.000-08:00

this old flame suddenly appeared outside my gate one stormy afternoon. i was hesitant to let him in at first. ayaw ko ng gulo... i've been avoiding married men (even committed men) forever. i mean we've moved on, he is married with 3 lovely kids, and there's really nothing to talk about, no issues nor hang ups. but he was also a good friend, and we shared good times and memories together and naisip ko it wouldn't hurt naman to have a little chat with him. masyado bang malisyosa? hindi naman, nag-iingat lang!
he is migrating to canada soon and wanted to see those people who were dear to him before he left. syempre, isa ako doon. he lost touch with all his friends since he got married. erased his friendster account and intentionally didn't use a cellphone-- to avoid temptations. so he looked up in the directory for my landline number and when he couldnt find it, nagbakasakaling pumunta sa residence ko. luckily, i went home early that afternoon. he talked about his family, his kids, and i talked about me and maxine, and how me and mike eventually separated. and a litlle about the "thing" in our past. pero sabi ko nga sa kanya, kuwento na lang iyan. whatever happened, we cannot change that or go back to it.
haaay... sayang. could have, would have, should have.

thoughts for the coming semester

2007-11-14T06:50:00.000-08:00

another semester, different faces, new beginnings, higher expectations from myself

i have been teaching since 2002 but i never really realized how lucky i am to be in front of a class, being listened to, and having so much power to change one's life. it scares me to be responsible for everything students will learn in a span of months sitting in my class. for one, i was NEVER a model student. i was the teachers' nightmare... daydreaming in class, annoying, cutting classes, lazy. who would have thought i'd end up teaching? (is this karma or what????) and college level at that! i cannot believe i'm actually in this position.

for so long, i have been in denial that this was my calling. i kept running away from teaching. making every excuses to my mom not to finish my masters, and teach full time. who the hell declines such offers from ateneo and u.p.??? ewan ko. i'm always doubting myself. do i deserve to be here? while others are envious of me (for my last name?), waiting for their demo teaching schedule, trying to finish their masters with flying colors just to get that same opportunity, here i am blowing the chances away. teaching keeps following me. wherever i go. no matter how hard i try to avoid it. cannot hide, it finds me.

i guess this is one of those success stories (or bloopers) huh? 'bad student turn professor.' it just proves that we all can turn everything around despite our mistakes in the past. it's never too late to change. never hopeless.

thanks to my parents... they have always believed in me. they pushed me to do better. they gave me all the support. the love, the patience.

thanks to maxine, for coming to my life and making me feel needed. and loving me despite my shortcomings. and being with me whenever, wherever. my good luck charm.

thanks to my sisters who are always there to cheer me up, make me laugh, give advices and criticism, love me.

i love my family.

THANK YOU LORD, MY GOD.

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wondering heart.

Not because of who I am.
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
And you told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again
Who am I?
That the voice that calm the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am.
But because what of youve done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
And you told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am.
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
You told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cuz I am yours.
I am yours.

lakas ng powers!

2007-10-11T01:11:00.000-07:00

it didn't work out. now if you will read all my posts in this blog, you'd wonder why i cannot have a boss. i quit the job after two months. pay was high but i couldnt stand what they wanted me to do. we have an activity matrix to follow. wow naman, the boss got it all planned out. i didn't have a say in anything! as in we have an hourly itinerary to follow. he's so OC my god! i really wanted to help him... i proposed some marketing strategies, tried to convince him to change the target market, and convinced him to be agressive in our maketing campaigns. pero tigas! super duper greedy (oops, this came out from his mouth, self confessed siya)!
imagine naman, i was required to give him my (not daily but)hourly itinerary for the coming weeks... malay ko ba who i will encounter next week. and what time i will have meetings. i can only give targets diba? haha funny talaga and nakakainis. hello manager ako hindi robot! aside from that i had to submit a weekly itinerary, daily itineray (which is hourly) weekly accomplishment report, a liquidation of my P500 allowance (haha, not 5,000), call logs. nakakaloka.
i was arguing with him why he had to be so strict e marketing team kami. worst sa sales and marketing officers ko-- they have daily report, weekly itinerary, flyer distribution, poster distribution log, internet cafe partner profile sheet, (wait hindi pa tapos) job fair proposal with google earth print out of the 10 banners, flyer istribution for flyers. o man, he's crazy.
anyway, those i can bear pa. but when he questioned me why i wanted to change the banner font size (read: not the text or the design but the font size!!!), that was the last straw. marami pang reasons like the budget for the marketing assistants weren't being released on time, he asked me to make my Q4 marketing plans but got angry when i mad the proposals because it wasn't in the activity matrix (f*ck that!!!), and he was hinting that i fire one of the sales and marketing officers (e hello robot kailangan niya). haha. galit na galit ba??? so one day i woke p and decided that i didnt want to become a puppet or robot of Powers Interactive! i gave my resignation letter with the reason: i regret that i am not alligned with the company's objective.
it actually felt good. in his face!!! im pretty sure he was deeply hurt and insulted with my decision because he gave me a good position in the company... i was in his corporate team!!!
well, i chose not to stay because i couldn't stand my team to be insulted, exploited and abused just because things werent turning the way he planned basedon the actvity matrix and the investmen memo! grrrrrr. i left because i didt want to influence them and be a neative energy to them.
so im back teaching. it's sem break but i accepted tutorials and everything is going well. i have time for maxine again, and more time to do the things that has been set aside... my masters, my papers, my class, my house. as for my lovelife???? well, there's someone. we've been goin out for nearly three months but he hasn't declared his love for me yet. di ko nga alam kung meron nga e... o friends na naman!
next entry na siya. mahabang storya!

2007-08-26T22:30:00.000-07:00

the partnership for the website hasn't push through but i was offered by the other partner (for the mean time) to work for his company as Corporate Sales & Marketing Manager. It took me a while to accept the post. I had the year all planned out. I was to teach 1st and 2nd sem of SY2007-2008 and focus on finishing my masters; Accept private tutorials(I had 5 students paying me P1,000 per session) and have fun on my free time. I even have time to sit down and study with Maxine or review her for her classes every afternoon. I wasn't planning to accept any job.
But Maxine and I together with my twin, Tala just transferred to our family's old house and all the expenses became gaga. Suddenly, aside from the credit card bills, I have to pay for the grocery, give my share to household expenses, and allot some money for my poodlex dog!
I was first offered the Learning Center Manager post, I declined. I'm not the type who would sit all day in the office doing admin work! Then, the Placement Officer position... no way! I'm not even good with interviewing applicants! I told the boss I only wanted to be in Sales & Marketing and that I wouldn't want to commit to something I cannot and do not want to do. SO after a week, he was back giving me the Corporate Sales & Marketing Manager position. I was so overwhelmed! I was only eyeing for the Sales & Marketing Officer position! haha.
Anyways, so now I am working again. A day job usually 9am-7pm but since the company is a start up, I have to work harder to meet the target. If I'm not going to do it, who is going to? Kaya I've been so busy lately, I didn't even have time to celebrate my bday last Thursday.
You know me, I get addicted to work once I start it. I don't know why.
Right now, I like my job even though we almost always have meetings, change the rules, change the strategies, have tons of paper works... I just need to get used to it. If I survive my 1st 90 days, I will not need to bug Mike for support. I won't have to worry about my bills. I don't have to depend on my parent's money!
I hope everything will turn out fine!

you're all invited!!!

2007-05-27T08:54:00.001-07:00

after the long wait... Coffeebreak Island is launching their album on
June 2, Saturday at Tiendesitas!

2007 First Quarter Storm

2007-04-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

I chose this title not to recount everything that happened to me the first quarter of 2007 but to remind me that i survived it. After (1) losing M again, and would seem like for good; (2) losing hope and confidence in my business; (3) being broke for so many weeks -- credit card bills piling up; (4) having to deal with these amo maids of ours, I'm glad I'm still alive.

At my darkest days, God was there. He watched me and guided me even if I was too busy mending a broken heart or worrying where I am going to get the money. God is gooooood! He never left my side even if I blamed and questioned him why it didn't work out between M and me again. I stopped praying, I stopped believing, I stopped going to church, I stopped going to the singles worship... Nagtampo talaga ako.

There was this night I was crying and asking him, "Bakit lahat na lang ng alam mong gustong-gusto ko, hindi mo binibigay?" I just couldn't understand why. He knows I loved M with all my heart. He saw me get hurt, suffer and sacrifice. He knows I'd do everything. Sana hindi na lang siya bumalik. Sana hindi na lang na-involve si God sa mga usapan namin!!! All along kasi I thought that He wanted that to happen because I patiently waited two long years to rekindle the friendship at the perfect timing. Binawi rin pala niya!!!
Nagtampo rin ako early this year nung hindi good ang business. Sabi ko, "God, you know how much I want this... you know how hard I am trying-- working day and night, giving all my talents, my time and energy" It's a shame but at that time talagang dumating sa point na ganoon. I gave up. Inamin ko sa sarili kong loser ako. Lahat-lahat down ako.

And one day, He sent me this person. It was Valentines Day. No, he wasn't a date, not an admirer or a potential love interest! He was someone who liked and understood my business (SHIFT) and we arrange a couple of meetings to do business together. Yes, I saw God working for me. I was sure He was there. I know it was part of the plan... and everything changed from there. Doon ko naintindihan. Now I know "kung bakit niya hindi binibigay lahat ng alam niyang gustong-gusto ko" it was because he had other plans for me. He didnt give me M because he wants me to focus on my business. He didnt give me more advertisers and sponsors because he wanted me to have more than that. Now I am not just dreaming about getting hundreds and thousands of pesos but a million by the end of this year. Kaya pala! God is goooooooood talaga!

Kaya now, I try to make time for HIM! again. I don't want to let go. Thank you Lord!

keeping busy

2007-03-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

things are getting better. i saw m last night in a friend's party. i was strong enough to look into his eyes and feel nothing (well, as long as it doesn't last 15 seconds). didn't talk to him though. no reason to. we just exchanged "hi's" and a couple of (plastic) smiles. ok na ako. for now.
i've been busy doing events. i'm handling a reggae band's album launch, a beach party in galera, a website, and an isabela concert. everything is still in the planning stage so i don't really know if it's gonna pay off. i hope so. i barely sleep, eat and im never home. kawawa naman si maxine! i can't help it eh. i can't stop... i want to be busy. and i promised myself after nitong mga 'to i'll spend time with maxine. pero sa ngayon, i have to focus on work to get that 1 million pesos na goal this year. i know i can do it. i know i'll succeed. i know it!!!

wala lang

2007-03-12T23:36:00.000-07:00

i havent been updating this blog and you know why. you can tell im depressed. heto na naman po tayo!!! balik sa dati. every night na lang nasa labas with friends... i know im too old for this.

i met someone a days ago... he's so cute! ngayon lang ulit ako nagka-crush ng ganito. parang highschool na kinikilig. than i'd check his multiply and friendster so often. yuck no? haha. okay lang. atleast diba may pinagkakaabalahan ako.

well, have to go now. i'll update later! boring ako ngayon. alcohol is running through my veins! minumura na ako ng atay ko.

in search

2007-01-18T08:17:00.000-08:00

it's over. once again, i'm in for a sleepness night of agony, hours of weeping until no more tears would come. once again i would have to face the aching, desperate loneliness of walking into a crowded room full of strangers-- with no hand to hold, no strong arm to gently rest on my back and give me security. once again i'm alone.

i have always dreamed of a perfect fairytale love story someday. i plunged into one relationship after another just to realize that each fling ended with heartbreak and shattered emotions. my emotions became hopelessly entangled in each rocky relationship. i made incredible sacrifices in attempt to somehow cling to every short-lived dating relationship that came my way... giving pieces of myself away to each man that came into my life.

i'm tired of this.

it's over but i'm not over.

2007-01-07T08:20:00.000-08:00

it's over again. my refriendship with mario. at first it was all gooooood. we were catching up, having fun together, laughing, always talking on the phone and texting. he tried not to say or do anything that would hurt me. but as days go by, i realized that i should keep my distance. there was no sign from him that he wanted more than friendship. i thought i could handle it and that i can somehow be content with what he can give me. but i have to protect my feelings eh. it's only a matter of time thatbefore he breaks my heart again. i know it. ganito rin exactly how it ended before. and he's not going to care or ask for forgiveness or look for me. then i can predict i will again be an alcoholic for the next 2 years. just like before. find ways to get over him. swing from one bf/fling to another. flirt a lot. drink a lot lot lot. i should have known. i shouldnt have texted him. i hate him.

you're invited!!!

2006-12-01T04:14:00.000-08:00

Take some HIGHLIGHTERS…

Add a Few WHITE shirts…
even gorgeous bodies that hug with WHITE…

Throw in a couple of BLACKLIGHTS…

Add a SHIT ton of Alcohol…

Then you’re all set for a Nice WHIP of…

my super ex

2006-11-26T06:33:00.000-08:00

mario and i are friends again. and that's all that matters. i don't care if we don't get back together. i'm happy with how the things are. deep inside alam ko na mahal ko siya pero ayoko nang pilitin ang hindi para sa akin.
he was hospitalized two weeks ago to undergo a surgery because he had gall stones. carla texted me and so i visited him in makati med. i met his mom (kakatakot but she was nice!) and his long lost sister, tina.
right now, we're really just catching up for those times we weren't talking. he says talagang he just wanted to hibernate from the world and be alone kaya he pushed everyone away. though he went out with some new friends, he didn't have a girl(friend) after me. funny nga eh, he hung out where i did but our paths never crossed. Sa 1920 (my favorite bar) and the techno-negosyo expo. God is good, He planned for us not to meet at a time I wasn't ready to see mario. anyways, mas mature na kami pareho ngayon. the relationship is not like before. but i'm happier now... i'm not miserable and bitter anymore. i don't know where it's going but im just going to enjoy the ride!

yesterday once more

2006-11-05T05:22:00.000-08:00

for the past months, i've been thinking why i don't get attracted to anyone anymore. i keep holding back-- guards on-- whenever i meet some guy... or being paired to... or set up on a date... or someone's about to make The Moves... it's like every guy i meet is not worth getting another heartbreak. and believe me, i try... i try my best to like them, be nice to them, flirt with them, give them a chance pero hindi talaga eh. is it my renewed faith kaya ako kill joy? or is it because i want a relationship that will lead to marriage? why am i not the same old sining na fun, spontaneous, outgoing, zany... i can't figure out why talaga. isip, isip, isip. then pinilit ko ang sarili ko to look for a meantime guy. he doesnt need to be gwapo, mayaman, maporma... just someone i can be with. it came to a point na talagang desperado na. nakakahiya but it's true. one week straight wala akong inisip kungdi hanapin kung sino man siya at nasaan man siya. i texted all my guy friends na i would consider for a one night stand, was online in chatrooms til the wee hours of the night, partied in decades (imagine???) hoping id hook someone... ganun kadesperado! i was just so lonely and didnt know how to deal with it. sinabayan pa ng problem sa business and piled up credit card bills. my god! ayoko na nga bumangon sa umaga, i just wanted to watch the tv all day, sleep, and get up in time for dinner time and leave for timog to get a drink, and hopefully get wasted. i was really like that for a week! miserable and desperate!

for one year and eight months, ive been avoiding everything that would remind me of mario. i kept our pictures where i wouldnt see it, avoided going to malate, deleted his home phone number, didnt mention his name, stopped asking about him, stopped talking about him. even when tor was giving me his new number, i didnt get it kasi i wanted to get over him na and whatever our past was.

anyways, ito na... i woke up one morning and opened my friendster account and saw a message from carla, mario's sister. it was just a chain email but nablangko ang utak ko. and took it as a sign na to ask for mario's number. so to make the story short, she gave it to me and i texted him. and rest is history. haha. you know what i mean. im back to zero. im so stupid. although this time, i know friends na lang talaga kami. walang libog (in bisaya libot means lito)! ayoko rin na magstart kami magkiss na naman and one thing would lead to the other. im careful din not to give him the impression na im here because i want to get laid. i love him, no doubt pero kung friendship lang talaga, ayoko na haluan ng kalaswaan. masaya naman akong makita siya, makasama siya... kahit alam kong masasaktan ako ulit... better than being miserable siguro. atleast kasama ko ang mahal ko. im not with someone na gagamitin ko lang.

hay buhay. friends, kutusan niyo nga ako!!!

my johari window

2006-10-10T18:05:00.000-07:00

this is interesting... http://kevan.org/johari?view=sininglumbera

SHIFT 2nd Issue

2006-09-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay I admit, I'm their stalker! I love Michael (Angelo)! Hahaha. Can't believe I'm this into him? Hindi naman. I'm just a fan. And they deserve to be on the cover naman diba?
check out Michael Angelo's website for the band's gigs and updates: www.michaelangelo.tk

Just to give you guys an idea of what I've been doing these days.

these days and those days

2006-09-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

Things are crazy these days. So many things to do, so many distractions. I get so many rejections, criticism and disappointments. nakaka-discourage. Wala na akong time para ma-depress but when I'm alone, I wish that someone's here for/with me... to carry the magazines, encode data, help me make proposals, call the clients... yes, I'm not looking for a boyfriend but an employee. Hahaha. No seriously, I need someone who will love me sincerely. It seems everyone I meet kasi see me as pang-"fling" lang. Like they think I'm still the old sining na game sa lahat. I'm so not that anymore. I'm tired of "the game." I want the real thing pero takot ako.

Maraming nagtatanong bakit ako nag-iisa.
Takot ako magmahal.
Maraming dahilan.
Takot ako umasa't magmukhang tanga
Takot ako mapaglaruan at masaktan
Takot ako magtiwala't maniwala
Takot ako.
Basta.

2006-09-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

The second issue of SHIFT is coming up the 2nd week of September. And I got Michael Angelo for our cover! We just finished the photo shoot last saturday in 19 East. We've got goooood pictures but unfortunately, we cannot put all of them in our small publication. Oh well.

We're finalizing the layout and content. I still got a lot to do. I didn't know having your own publication meant a lot of hard work, hard selling and required a lot of kapal ng mukha. Grabe, nakakaloka talaga. But this experience is bringing out the best in me, pushing me to my limits to discover the talents I thought didn't exist in me.

Good thing the Philippine Studies Program's summer batch has ended... and I don't think there will be a Fall batch. At least I can relax a little, having only 3 units to teach.

I'm always wondering if I should just focus on teaching or marketing. Teaching comes natural for me. Even if I don't study or prepare for my classes, I know I'm good at it. While marketing, I enjoy so much but I don't know if I'm born for it. But with all the contacts I have, and the jobs I had, plus the charm -hehe- I think or want to believe that I can be molded to be good at it. I can be good at both naman diba? (My mom will DEFINITELY hate the idea!)

bday celebration

2006-08-26T03:00:00.000-07:00

i celebrated my 28th bday in davao. for a change.

yep, it was in time for kadayawan festival. i just packed my things, left all the work behind to have fun. 9 days of vacation. walang pahinga. sabi ko nga, "ihanda ang atay" kasi all we do is drink till dawnn. till sunrise! why not? i think i desreve it.
to me davao is synonymous to party. a never ending party. tipsy. good times. fun.

kim organized the party at zakoya japanese restaurant. it was really wild! although my guests werent really close to me, my bday celebration was complete. although the two Ms were missing in action, it's enough that kim, victor and exis were there. and i had a date too... syempre M na naman! we transferred to entree in apo view and finished two bottles of citron drinks they call "lemon drops."

SHIFT is already out!

2006-07-23T06:21:00.000-07:00

at last it's here! after 6 months of planning the concept, market study, sleepless nights, begging for people to believe in me, asking friends to help me do this and do that, brainstorming over bottles of beers, SHIFT LIFESTYLES is here... printed na... distributed in call centers, and will soon be displayed in select ministop outlets as well. please check out our webiste shiftmagph.com

hayyy... ang sarap ng feeling. and it's all because of Him. God is good all the time. I will give HIM back all the glory!

My One Great Love

2006-07-05T04:55:00.000-07:00

they say that once in your life, you'll have that One Great Love. although most of my friends believe that i easily fall inlove, i know deep inside that i've already met my One Great Love.
He's someone i met nearly a decade ago. everything was great, there was chemistry...he was perfect, we got along really, really well... but we were both in a relationship. just when i thought i had found the right man who will treat me with respect, pamper me and shower me with love!!! the timing was just so wrong!

it's no secret, all my friends know him because i never stopped talking about him since summer 97. even after we broke up. even while mike and i were still together. even after i had maxine. even if i didnt see him for years. even after we lost touch. it was enough to know that he's doing fine... where he was... where he worked... who he's been seeing... seeing his friends and learning even a little from them about what has been happening in his life. i looked forward to all the christmas breaks, sem breaks and summers hoping i'd bump into him somewhere, somehow. and if i was lucky, just like old times, we would get together with my cousins for some drinks.

so years passed and i tried to keep that love to myself... (well, but there were nights when i'd get really drunk and shout his name.) it was hell. i lived everyday thinking about him... every single day! my famous line to myself nga was: kahit ilang bote ng beer, ilang yosi ubusin ko, hindi siya nawawala sa isip ko! *sigh* my hang ups! those what if's and what might have been's.

when mike and i broke up, i was finally free. and although i know how One Great Love hated me, i wanted to see him and tell him how i kept loving him all these years. i bought a ticket to davao and went straight to see him. but it wasnt like the movies with happy endings. not even close... my One Great Love wasn't waiting for me. i didnt have any room in his life. and i was lost from there. i was lost from then.

now he's in manila. we met for coffee in greenbelt, had dinner and a couple of beers at the fort. i never thought we'd ever get together as friends. but we did. we spent 8 hours talking and talking and laughing and catching up. my heart was pounding... but i was careful not to let him hear it. it's better this way i guess.

i still love him but i don't want to lose him again.

i love life's surprises

2006-06-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

the past months have been tough. really, really tough. i was jobless, broke, stressed... had to attend to social functions and business meetings (to have money and network) and had to make pakisama with my buddies... pero things are getting better and i know it's because i believed and trusted Him. even with so many rejections, impossibilities, failures and misfortunes.

it's true, you just have to let go and let God!

raves:
my lifestyle guide is going to come out soon -- so watch out for it!
got some advertisers to cover for my printing cost. thanks to those who believed in the project.
i'm back to school with the last 3 units before my thesis
i'm teaching 3 units in the department (yey! certified U.P. professor na.)
i have signed a contract with alliance francaise for a tutorial
my former boss FINALLY released my back pay
mike helped pay for maxine's party (dapat lang)
got in touch with an old crush-- he's single na
tatay's a national artist na!
i can feel God's love everyday.

rants:
don't think visiting the U.S. is possible this year
mike is getting married soon coz he got his 19year old gf pregnant. booooooo!
my credit cards are maxed out!
no date, fling, crush since december (rant ba o rave?)

busy

2006-05-29T10:34:00.001-07:00

i know i've been too busy to update this blog. well, summer is almost over and i have to go back to school to finish my masters (goodluck!). i really need to finish it so i can start my life. nanay said, "tapusin mo lang MA mo at hindi na ako makikialam sa decisions mo." im so eager to look for a job because im always bored at home just waiting for the some to go down... when darkness comes you know whats on the table-- cold red horse bottles! yeah! yes, being a bum forces me to use my energy in not so good use. what can i do? i can't stand the heat during day time therefore i cannot work, think or study... therefore, i'll just chill inside the room and watch tv... therefore im useless! i havent done a single paper for my incomplete projects. and to think i need to finish it before i enroll this sem. oh no! i have so much to do actually!!! *finish my MA papers *register my business in DTI *finish some articles that were assigned to me *finish the lay out of the lifestyle guide *look for paying advertisers *renew my passport *apply for a U.S. visa *etc. etc. etc.
damn! i gotta work on my time management first!

*** and oh yes! the most important thing... spread the Lord's word!!!

busy

2006-05-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

my true north!

2006-05-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

i atteneded a retreat three weeks ago and im so thankful nico sponsored me. if it werent for him, i'd still be looking for my true north... na by the way hinanap ko na sa sagada, baguio, subic, antipolo, laguna, cavite, batangas, mindoro, bohol, cebu, davao, cagayan de oro, aklan, boracay, palawan... well, after the retreat, feeling ko nawala lahat ng load. mas magaan and at peace with myself.

for a long time, i have been searching for something. it's like there's a missing piece in my life. hinanap ko sa iba-ibang bagay, iba-ibang lugar at iba-ibang tao... labas-pasok ako sa mga relationships looking for love. was so stupid... andyan lang pala ang love na hinahanap ko all along. and it's His love!!! now i feel so complete and inlove.

lines from the praise songs that really touched me:

you loved me when i was so unlovely,
you sought me when i was lost
you showed me how much you really love me
when you bought me at the highest cost

*Take me, mold me, use me, fill me
i give my life to the potter's hand

**i was so ashamed all alone and so far away
but now i know He's been waiting for this day
i saw Him run to me He took me in His arms
held my head to his chest, said "My son's come home again"
lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
with forgiveness in His voice i felt His love for me again

***Lord i gave you my heart, i give you my soul
i live for you alone
every breath that i take every moment im awake
Lord have your way in me

grabe, all my friends think im joking when i tell them about this love i just found. but it's true. and i hope this will be a lifetime commitment. right now im taking baby steps... i want to get to know him more first.
i feel so good. so inlove. this is sooooooo right. found my true north atlast!

discover Philippines' Hawaii, Bulalacao Mindoro

2006-04-23T00:52:00.000-07:00

pristine and untouched by commercialization, this spectacular mix of sand, sea and sky was the perfect hideaway for the holyweek.

powdery white sand... bulalacao, mindoro is 8-10 hours away from manila.
from batangas pier, take a ferry/ supercat to calapan... from calapan is another 5 hour drive to get to this last town of minoro oriental.

my trip

2006-04-23T00:21:00.000-07:00

spent the holyweek with my childhood friends and maxine! it was our first long trip together without my family, with my friends. i really miss hanging out with her and taking her to the mall... lately lang kasi i've been so busy working on the magazine and teaching Tagalog. what can i do? i need to earn and pay for my bills (bisyo ba!) and maxine's tuition. but still, everything i do isnt enough to make ends meet. talagang i need to come up with something soon or i will be crawling back to my parents begging for money.

maxine left for davao yesterday. she's going to be there for a while. honestly, i didn't want her to go but i don't want to be selfish din naman because i know im always out and if ever im home, im tired na rin, on the pc chatting, or watching "northshore." i miss her na. we became quite closer when we were in bulalacao. i realized its not going to be tough to raise her alone naman because she loves me. hindi na siya 'pasaway'!!! i just have to focus and resist my thirst for alcohol... and maybe i'll be more productive and earn more money.

i've been depressed since tuesday i don't know why. bitterness and sour graping again. ewan, i'm more lost now than before. something's missing in my life... and it's faith!

good thing nico invited me to go to cavite for a retreat this weekend. i really hope i will find what i'm looking for.

reasons why

2006-03-29T06:59:00.000-08:00

i can't believe i abandoned this blog for so long. i guess it just shows how busy i was the past months. well, ewan ko... im floating eh. right now, i have the month of april full. i just finished teaching for philippine studies program and started the intensive basic filipino one-on-one with another balikatan boy. and all the money goes to pay my bills. yikes... i maxed out two of my credit cards na. kamusta naman?

still, nothing can stop me from going to the beach! galera on friday (just for the weekend) and bulalacao (philippines' virgin hawaii) at the end of the month. oh yes, and because cebu pacific has another promo (P1 fare) im thinking of using my GC in sampaguita gardens (sampaguitagardens.com) in new washington, aklan. and i plan pa to reserve a ticket for davao's kadayawan festival. my birthday gift to myself. goodluck sana lang may matira pa ako for maxine's tuition fee. they increased nga pala 10%. pero okay lang, she's in top 15 naman. whose genes kaya is it?

im still not seeing/dating anyone. and i dont plan or intend to. my famous line when asked why? AYOKO NA. SAYANG SA ORAS. SAYANG SA PANAHON. LOLOKOHIN LANG NAMAN AKO. im bitter and disillusioned but can you blame me? i dont think i'll ever allow myself to fall or get involved emotionally, sexually again. here are reasons why:

i saw an old fling with his gf and he was so dominant. they were fighting in front of me, he was telling her what to do, as if i wasnt there having a business meeting with them! ... eeew im so thankful hindi kami nagkatuluyan.

a couple of 10 years (they are both my friends) broke up because of a third party... 10 years, imagine?! he just threw it away for promiscuosity?

a gay friend of mine says he knows a lot of men who experiments with their sexuality... not that i have anything against it/them but how will i know if my bf/husband is gay?

a girl friend who seem to be so lucky with his hubby is unhappy ... what??? why???

a girlfriend who's super sexy, super pretty, super smart, super porma, super mom, super loving wife and mother, super good din siguro in bed (haha. looks like it lang but i wouldnt know) is being cheated by her husband na super walang dating at walang K! ... imagine? being super of everything isnt enough pa pala?

what else? i think i've stated enough reasons for now.

my favorite photos

2006-03-01T05:04:00.000-08:00

at new washington, aklan
talipanan, puerto galera
aklan's boardwalk
anilao's sunset
bora, bora

my career, family, angel and the boys!

2006-02-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

my career
everything is on hold. i quit working full time for good. it is my choice not to look for another better paying job that i will love because i can never get the perfect one. i decided to finish my masters to make my parents proud... or keep themfrom nagging me. i need it anyway if im serious about teaching tagalog in California or Hawaii. naks.
while im doing that, im putting up a business with some acquaintances. more like an advertising agency. its gonna start soon. i hope it pushes thru.
im also planning to take up law so until november, i will be busy preparing for the LAE and other requirements i will need. i just want to give it a shot. im aiming UP or ateneo davao. let's see. watch out.

my family
a lot has changed. the house that used to be so big for our family is now full and literally cannot accommodate guests. everything is a mess. noisy everywhere you go. but im not complaining. it is home. we laugh a lot, share our dreams, gossip, bond with the babies, dance, sing... we're closer than ever!

my angel
maxine is growing up. i'm afraid she's becoming me. again, sometimes (well, all the time) i feel like it's unfair that im the only one responsible for her. nothing is ever good enough. palaging may kulang or mali. it's hard to go to the PTAs, family days, children's parties alone. even harder to raise a child all by yourself. but im trying to be strong. i still cry at night. sana aside from my family, may masandalan naman ako to make the load a little lighter. will that someone ever fall from the sky?

the boys
as i promised to myself, no new boys. but i can tell a little about those from the past (or 2005):

i'm still seeing doc. he was my valentine (yuck cheezy!)...once in a while we go out. he's really an aries and you know what that means. he always wants to be on top of everything. bossy talaga. and i catch him lying to me once in a while. sabi ko na e, too good to be true. like me, i think he's playing safe that's why he's holding back... and treating me hot and cold. for now, relationship is purely platonic.

j got his karma. his gf left him for no reason at all. now he got the taste of his own medicine. he came to me and told me how hurt he was. couldn't tell him he deserved it but was happy deep inside that he was miserable.

no sighting of m. *ouch*

mike manahan of michaelangelo is hot. he's my favorite treat. fan na kung fan... watching him makes my week.

re:2006 resolution

2006-02-22T20:51:00.000-08:00

looking at my new years resolution makes me sick. how can i do all that? i think it's BS. syempre it was all ningas-cogon... really. like cogon grass burning and losing fire very fast. oh well, this is the way i am. sa lahat ng aspects ng life. here it is, i hate to admit it, and face it, but i'm still here where i started. same old sining.

no more men in 2006
is religiously being followed.
quit smoking and drinking
i tried. i really tried.
start my diet
i don't pig out anymore. less salty foods, less carb, more vegies & fruits, less junk foods
be a bitchy girl that i am not
it's hard pala. i feel guilty after being bitchy but i try not to appologize for that.
go to church every sunday
o oh. that i have to start. soooo guilty!
more tutoring time for maxine
does discipline and not tolerating her count? i think molding her is more important right now. she's really becoming a "pasaway" and she knows it.
limit my night outs to only one every month
limited to once a week
stop over spending and save
since i quit my job and decided to finish my masters (dealine is june 2006), i have no more money to spend. i can't even buy my own groceries now!
read more
more on what interests me
love myself more
i was selfless before... i'm trying to be selfish now. (hey you know me... im either black or white, nothing in between!)

06's resolution

2006-01-01T05:32:00.000-08:00

okay. i can't this day pass without putting my new year's resolution in a list! i have thought about this all month. lots of sleepless nights, yosi alone, contemplations for me to be able to get this list done. wish i can stand by them. well, i will try. hard.

1. no more men in 2006.
this one goes on top because i want to try this... for once, i will stop building my world around the men that i date. i tried men who are younger than me/ older than me/ my age, over rated/ under rated, rich/ not-so-rich, drug addict/ drunkard/ sober, flings/ serious relationship... even adapted who i am for them just so it would work out. wala eh... talagang walang tumatagal sa akin ng one month. i tried! promise!!! so i hope this first resolution is justified huh?

2. quit smoking and drinking
let's face it. i'm not getting any younger. my wrinkles are starting to show, my bulges bulkier and i get tired easily na. signs of aging. i need to live a healthy lifestyle.

3. start my diet
i need to do it for my future get-aways. haha. kahit jogging lang. it'll help so i can wear those old clothes again.

4. be a bitchy girl that i am not
enough of my virgo habit being down-to-earth. 2006 i will not be the nice ingga, reliable, dependable, "game," easy-go-lucky, who can't say no. sorry to tell but i will do my best to annoy people who haven't be good to me. it's pay back time!

5. go to church every sunday.
no explanation needed.

6. more tutoring time for maxine.
goal is for her to get line of 9 grades for the third quarter. than we go to disneyland hongkong.

7. limit my night outs to only one every month
this i cannot promise but i will try. lead me not into temptation, lord. (because with a light of one stick of a cigarette and a bottle of red horse, i swear will forget i ever made this list!!!)

8. stop over spending and save!

9. read more.

10. love myself more. :)

please keep your fingers crossed. i can do this. cheers for a better INGGA!

not over. yet.

2005-12-21T19:36:00.000-08:00

a day before M's 28th birthday. don't know where to find him. even his
friends don't have any idea where he is or what he is doing. he totally
shut himself from the world. what's wrong with him??? and what's wrong with me? why can't i get him out of my system. ba't ba hindi ko magets-gets?!

being unfair to doc. gotta be honest. i'm not over M yet. (haha! obvious ba?)

those were the days

closing doors and attempting to open a new one

2005-12-15T07:59:00.000-08:00

still not so convinced but i will give the doctor a chance. 'yun lang i can't stop myself from being too paranoid. and i swear never to fall first. he's still a mystery. asked some friends to help me research about him *haha ang sama!* hopefully before i find out myself and it's too late. weird lang cause he's 35 and single. whatever happened to: all the good men are either taken, married or gay? maybe he is gay. or married with 6 kids, or playboy. i don't know. i need to know.

j and i had lunch together at G4 kanina... and surprisingly, we're okay. okay as in we're cool. i didn't feel any bitterness or anger or longing. period na, tapos na. it's been 6 months already anyway. funny nga e, we were both catching up and he was telling me about the girl he's with (who happens to be a doctor)... then he asked me if i was seeing anyone, i said "doctor din" and he was like, nangaasar ka ba? well it's good may closure na.

hmmmm... isa na lang talagang walang closure!!! waiting in vain talaga! it's christmas... i can feel it. i need to see M. i want to make sure lang he's doing fine. hay. miss him so much. it's been 15 months since we drifted apart, 9 months since i last saw him. sucks. he's in manila lang and our paths don't meet. to think na his only friends are my friends na rin.
pero when/if i see him and don't see THAT LOOK in his eyes, maha-hart lang ako. so 'wag na lang. let time pass by.

gotta go. meeting up with doc tomorrow. butterflies in my stomach! maybe i'll ask him to watch michael angelo with me at bagaberde. haha para two birds with one stone.

because of...

2005-11-26T13:15:00.000-08:00

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hardI've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of youI never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of youI find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of youI am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of youI never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of youI find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of youI am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of youI never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of youI try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of youI don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of youI'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of youI am afraid

Because of you

i swear everytime i hear this song, i remember someone... and it crushes my heart. i want to blame him for who i am now... this is not the sining everyone knew and loved! hay. hay. what has he done!

the doctor says i should let go of the past and try to trust people again. i can't help but doubt everything.

another twist

2005-11-17T20:23:00.000-08:00

okay so things didn't turn out the way i planned it... my boss from the PR firm gave me a special leave. she said i can just go to work whenever i'm free. i had no choice but to stay! and i'm partly thankful that she understood why i had to accept the teaching job. so, now i won't be jobless... but i won't be having that vacation... well, it can wait. siguro for now i just have to be content with weekend trips.

updates, updates. i had a date with this doctor i met last month. first impression of him was presko and feeling guwapo. but we spent an afternoon just talking and debating, and hmmm... i must say, nakakachallenge! haha. unlike other guys whom i dated before, he actually makes me bara and make me feel not so smart. you know what i mean? kasi diba when i start talking, it seems lahat nakikinig, walang kumokontra>>> because i'm always right (yeah right!!!) hahaha. but with him, it's different. maybe because this is the first time i'm seeing someone much older than me (he's 35... and single DAW!) and lives in a totally different world. he doesn't smoke, doesn't drink much, doesn't go out, goes religiously to the gym to work out. eeewwww! is he for real? i hope he's one of those endangered species. ewan ko. suddenly may chemistry!

he was actually the one who made me realize why i'm still single. kasi i always cancel our dates on the last minute and one time sabi niya, "you know what, maybe you're not really ready to have a relationship. you just want to play lang." and that struck me. oo nga 'no, maybe it's me and not them! i'm always running away, afraid to make commitments... with work, gimmick with friends, relationships... because i'm afraid something better will come and i wouldn't be free to grab it. maybe this time, sometime soon, i will have to make a choice. i will have to trust people and my judgement.

it's been a long week. 7:30-8:30 in makati, 10-3 in ortigas, then 4-7 back to makati. ngarag but i'm still alive!

Longing for the sand, the sea and the sun

2005-11-08T18:06:00.000-08:00

I have been stuck in a day-job for three months now and I really miss travelling! Tell me I'm crazy but I actually filed my resignation last week to go back to teaching. I was offered a 6-week project by my previous employer for a special tutorial. After that, I plan to take a vacation AGAIN... and go back to finding a more rewarding career. PR is okay naman but so so so demanding and stressful. My salary can't compensate for my kangaragan. I look 5 years older in just three months!

So, starting all over.I'm waiting for this job on January as a Marketing Manager. I'm crossing my fingers that they give me a much higher salary. If not, I will take it as a sign to finish na lang muna my Masters degree or start a business in Davao. Whatever. Basta all I can think of right now is the much awaited vacation. Grabe, it really says something about my personality... and I'm wondering why I'm single??? Eh I can't even stay loyalin one company/job. I'm always going where the wind blows me. hahaha.

Gotta go back to work for now. I have to turn over all my files to the new Account Executive who's going to replace me. I still have about 20 days. Darn!

2005-09-30T03:04:00.000-07:00

for some reasons, me and my sisters became closer this year. i realized how much i love my family and how important they are to me. i don't care na what other people say or think about us... even if they judge us because of life's sudden twist. to hell with them. hehe.

Alive Again

2005-09-09T03:27:00.000-07:00

Everything happens for a reason. It might not get into our head when we're in the middle of a crisis but since I have gone through a lot (I've been there, done that), I'm beginning to finally understand...
I got pregnant when I was 19, had Maxine when I was 20 and since then had to be a mother at that early age. Haha. Even when Mike and I were still together then, he didn't really help in raising her because we didn't live together. Most of his time were spent with his car, his so-called friends and drag racing-- which by the way was the reason why nauntog ako. Sometimes he'd be around, visit us, watch TV or eat dinner and then go back to his true love(his car). When I look back (hey, I don't want to look back!), I regret not ending the relationship sooner... wasted youth!
Mike didn't want me to have friends. He'd scare them away. Embarrass me in front of them and totally make a scene. And I'm talking about girl friends here ha!
1,2,3 I wished he'd change, grow up. 4, i'm getting tired of this. 5, I realized I had to fight back and not let him take over my life. And 6, I learned to play THE game.
I'm glad I've outgrown him. And so far, no regrets. never a day, an hour, a minute... even a second! He hasn't changed!

I'm alive.

being too nice

2005-09-03T05:14:00.000-07:00

sometimes i hate myself for being too nice to people. i'm so dense kasi that i don't give a damn about what they think about me... dead ma lang. if they pick on me, i consider it as constructive criticism. if i feel like i'm being used, i am honored that in my own little way i can make someone happy. if i don't click with a cetain person, or they try to put me down, i tell myself that i cannot please everyone. and in love, i'm always submissive. i always consider what my partner feels. with mm nga, even if i know that it'll hurt to let him go, i did. because i felt na if he isn't happy with me, i don't want him not to be happy. the same thing with all the others who went next after that relationship. we go out, get to know each other, have fun, be intimate and then one day he runs off with a piece of my heart. no text, no call, no explanation, no warning at all. nothing. and still, i let them do that to me. ako, i leave it at that --even if it will mean sleepless nights, self pitty, "what's wrong with me" drunken nights, and man hater complex. ganun kasimple... kung ayaw, sorry. as if naman i can do something about it! if they appologize, or tell me the reason why they left, as if there's a way i can shield myself from being hurt.

anyways, wala lang. naisip ko lang kasi mike called kanina. and he sounded like he's in control pa rin! grrr. i know we're good friends but not to the point na kung makapagsalita siya akala mo pag-aari niya ako. eew! as if nag-uutos! i'm so so glad we're not together anymore. as in super. i'm so thankful i was able to break up with him. but that's another story. my revelations of how it was like in that hell relationship to come on my next post...

i'll try not to be myself so i won't be too nice to people.

what it'slike turning 27

2005-08-29T05:41:00.000-07:00

just last week i was only 26, this week i am 27? argh... i'm in my late 20s na??? i actually stopped counting after 25. so instead of getting older and wiser, i'm becoming stubborn. my birthday celebration started august 18 with my friends from discover philippines magazine. we just had a few drink but still, i didn't want to go home sober kaya while they all went home early, i stayed pa and met with macky and louise. come friday night, i met with davao friends. and that started the realization and longing again for our "friend" who's nowhere to be found... well, maybe he's in the alapaap kaya hindi siya mahagilap. hmp. i remember pa last year, birthday ko rin, he just greeted me happy birthday thru text. to think we wee still together then ha!!! and so ayun, i got drunk na naman and as soon as victor drove me home, sumuka ako. hahaha. buti na lang hindi nila nakita. kahiya! saturday i was at salo. was surprised to see michael angelo playing. yay! ang cute ni michael! aug 24 i was at tiananmen with officemates. by the end of the night i couldnt drive na. buti na lang night in shining armor, mikey came. we took everyone home, him driving my car. tapos as if we havent had enough, we went to solas pa "for the road." haha. fun, fun, fun. but i think i revealed too much of myself to him. lumabas ang bitterness ko and pagka-preachy. the next day at work, i didnt want to know what i did or said.

anyways, so much for a birthday celebration. now that i've turned older (younger, the way i see it), i want to do something stupid. its been a while ha. i miss being stupid and doing foolish things. i dont want to be too perfect! haha. so im thinking... (pagbigyan ko naman ang puso)... what if i rekindle my friendship with mario? yung magpakatanga ulit like last year? i hear he's kawawa daw e. eto na naman mesianic complex ko. what do you think?

think about it? get hurt with the one you love or let the meantime guys hurt you? gaga girl talaga ako no? told you im older but not getting wiser!

new life

2005-08-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

im back. 2005 isnt a good year for me either. how could i let myself stumble to the same mistakes again? a friend says life is just a cycle... you just have to know your mistakes so you won't keep coming back to where you were. i did that. it didnt work. i met this guy last march and we started hanging out A LOT. and just when i thought everything was smooth sailing, and was so ready to give it a chance (and stop being numb) he dropped me like a hot potato. just like that. *poof*
and so i realized, after all the Ms that wrecked my life, a J wouldnt be different. or any alphabet for that matter. Ano ba!!!

starting a new life now. new job, new schedule, new friends, new boss, new outlook in life. i dont want to start dating again... i dont want to believe anymore...

lessons i learned (or did i really learn?)

2005-01-29T08:23:00.000-08:00

it's almost the end of the first month of the year and although i hate to look back, and reflect, i feel like i need to do it for myself to be a better person this year. i cannot imagine how many crazy things happened in 2004. i will just start with the
lessons i've learned:
1. it's better to wallow alone and shut yourself from the world than make your friends' day miserable.
2. even if it feels good and so right to down a case of red horse, it will make you regret you did when you wake up and realize you made stupid things AGAIN.
3. if your best isn't good enough, you need God!
4. be careful what you wish for... remember to be specific!
5. being together doesn't always mean you two are in love... sometimes it's just you.
6. some people never change.
7. good looking guys are STD magnets. so beware, always stay protected.
8. you will be everything you want to be, until someone starts talking.
9. always be at your best. you'll never know who you'll meet today.
10. live life to the foolest... learn from the tears, failures, disappointments, misfortunes.
11. first impressions are not reliable.
12. everyone we meet in life will play a significant role in our life.
13. you cannot rely on anyone but yourself.
14. if you want change, start it-- do not wait for it.
15. if it feels good, think first... it might not last.

there's more but i think this is enough for now. honestly, 2004 was tsunami! i dont want to remember all those bloopers played on me by life.

TWIST

2004-12-23T20:14:00.000-08:00

you are the god
throwing the dice of which i breathe
ruling my universe with your games...
straight ahead.
turn left.
turn right.
i move like a puppet
always back to you.